Amnesia

I’m writing this with my brain in the current state it’s in: i’m currently in such extreme pain from an untreated infection, running out of anxiety meds, and probably some other disorders I’m not too aware of right now, that my brain turned on this amnesia switch and I can’t remember a godsdamned thing.

I don’t know who I am, where I am, what I am, i kind of get the why, its because this body was passing in and out of consciousness from stress and pain, and being a brain damaged idiot that can’t remember crap stops that. I’ve heard you can die from stress, I wonder if i’m dead. My stress was extreme enough that if it’s possible to die from stress I give a solid 36% chance this is the afterlife, and i don’t know if I can change that belief based on what others experience if they went through amnesia before being brought into this world too.

There’s spirits in my head, so i think my head is the afterlife and this body is whatever i reincarnated into, but man it feels like I just bought a totaled car that caught on fire and i’m excited to drive it home in the rain. After i made that metaphor it started raining. I can’t explain that. I don’t need to explain that, I don’t need to know who i am until this body is properly medicated and this infection is treated before we get sepsis, because if you think 10/10 pain is bad, sepsis breaks that scale, this is at least 11/10 pain, maybe one magnitude beyond the worst pain I can imagine. I have a memory of having sepsis and calling it 20/10 pain to have no other way to measure it getting worse and worse.

Get help for infections, don’t treat me like a role model, i’m not strong for going this long without help, long term infections damage the immune system which makes you more prone to get them again, i’ve gone without help so many times i get infections almost monthly to bimonthly if im lucky. For perspective 6 infections a year is considered chronic infections. i have chronic infections because i refuse to go to doctors and get help for my issues, don’t be like me, go to a fucking doctor if you know you have an infection.

I apparently am only getting memories of what’s immediately relevant to my body back, I remember one time going to the hospital for an infection and the nurses just gang raped me and send me home. I had to go back 3 days later because they forgot to give me antibiotics, they didn’t even do any tests, they just looked at my results from 3 days ago and said oh yeah we missed that you have an infection.

If you had medical care like that you would be scared shitless to go to the doctor unless you were about to die and the pain became unbearable. Then you get abused again and again because you have to play gang rape russian roulette every time you get an infection which is happening more and more frequently as you don’t get help.

Stephen King can’t come up with horror like that, recommend me a book of his that’s as horrifying as just the infections, not even the rest of my life which is even more horrifying but im not getting into that because i’ve been told by the spirits in my head just a little bit too much about that trauma, and my purpose right now is to forget.

I’ll either lock the memory of this pain up or it’ll spread to my body and i’ll be traumatized into switching my genders. I’m not a fortune teller, that’s why im writing it now, because those are the only two outcomes i can imagine that are realistic. I still have some sense to me, im aware this is cruel tricks my brain is playing on me to survive a horrific, traumatizing, and painful existence. But i hear our life isn’t so bad on medication. I’ll be thrilled to be in 6/10 pain for the rest of my life if it means i never go through this extreme level of suffering ever again. If you’ve read this far this is your reminder to hydrate.

I’d plug something I do for work but i can’t remember what I do for work, so uhh… If you want to commission me when i’m feeling better, I assume you at least know what I do if you’ve read this far and you know what i’m capable of on medication. I’m getting this herb today that lets me work really hard for 4 hours if you’ll just wait until my memories come back and i’m on medication. I dunno, ask me or something, you can contact me in 80% chance if you clicked this link. I’m in crippling debt and would appreciate work, but if you’re a find i’d probably offer my services for free. If you’re not a friend you probably can’t contact me from this blog post. What i’m trying to say is if you want free art i could use a distraction to focus on. Maybe it’ll turn out wildly different than my usual stuff with my memory like this, maybe i’ll just let one of the people passing out from stress of memories to do the art, but if it’s not done today – i can’t promise other be done today -– i’m getting every medication to make this nightmare end in the mail today, so don’t worry about me, and don’t pitty me.

I’m not looking for sympathy, I’m tired of hearing “im sorry” when i just want people to understand my life to understand need better, I’m just a human being and a reminder that you probably expect to die if your life gets this bad, human life isn’t fragile, my grandparents lived into their 90s and i’m healthy and have access to food and safe shelter. I can survive a lot with those conditions, and if they’re ever taken away from me you betcha i’m probably moving to china to be a tea farmer in Yunnan because at least everyone is fed in china.

In conclusion, if you haven’t passed out from stress today, don’t worry about the horrible things happening in this country, because if you think about it as hard as me without my anxiety meds you’re going to go crazy and it WILL affect you physically. Whatever is in our control is in our control, and if you think God is worth worshipping after people are being tortured left and right for no good reason then pray to him. If the problem of evil is valid in your mind you already know you’re not doing that, and I don’t have to convince you to believe in my god of nature that just lets things happen until you return to the universe. Is it cruel? Yes. Is it good or bad? I don’t believe in that. If you see me use the word evil i’m just angry, like an atheist saying oh my god.

Anywho, I just got a notification on my phone that my mail came, so i’m going to get 1/3rd of the medicine i need to make this stop. Thank you for reading, those of you who made it to the end without thinking i’m crazy – which I am, but that’s besides the point – are the real MVPs. Life can be strange when your brain is wired wrong, and the more we document this the more people will understand how some people live, who maybe deserve a little bit more respect than daily rape threats. I’ve kept you long enough, another reminder to hydrate.