Return of internal demons

My brain has tormented me internally since I was 13, it’s not “suddenly happening” because I started talking about it. it’s been 20 years and I’m pretty self-aware of why it’s happening, so if you think you understand why it’s happening to me more than I do you’re as useless as a book on dream interpretation with missing context to someone’s subconscious. Maybe listen to when someone self-aware of their delusions figures out why their brain is being mean to them, hmm?

We did get rid of the demons, by moving to the moon in my head, I didn’t expect martians to come to torment me instead. Well that was fine, I suppose, until the martians turned into terrorists. So we had to give that up and return to where the demons were.

This isn’t because the medication im on, this isn’t going to go away on medication, this isn’t anything new. “But you started taking X the time this started happening;” look at me, i am the captain now. This didn’t recently start, this has been going on for 20 years.

And I especially don’t want to hear “but it’s not real, it doesn’t matter.” Neither is your love for your husband, but i don’t tell you it’s fake because the emotions are all in your head. “Just think them away” is the same mentality that made me homeless sleeping in an alley on rocks with a hobo high in cough syrup reaching their hand down my pants. That’s very real, don’t tell me this fear doesn’t matter.

But let me explain why it’s happening so badly tonight: These forces inside my head respond to social distress. That’s it, they’re my brain processing social rejection and social ostracism. You can hurt me with your words, or I can process it how I damn fucking please to process it.

Because truth be told, it’s much less terrifying to be hurt by demons than it is to be hurt by the actions of others. It’s physically less painful. Don’t you dare tell me it’s not real when i feel physical pain from it. The emotional abuse you went through isn’t real either, it’s all in your head, do you see where i’m going with this?

People believing false things about this has almost gotten me murdered; now that I have the words to articulate better I’m going to continue to share about this, but you’re getting shut down if you think you understand my own head better than I do.